I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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