turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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