i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
