i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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