Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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