I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
