Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
