I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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