She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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