Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
