Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
