Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
