M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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