A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
