sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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