Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
