i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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