I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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