I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
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