There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
