What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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