Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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