It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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