At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
