I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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