Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
