You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
