also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
