A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's shark week go big or go home
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
