sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
