This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
