I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
