i dont even know how to be here
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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