Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
