I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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