God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
