she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
