I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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