i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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