apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
