two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love having hate sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
