I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
