I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
