you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
