I must be too annoying 4 u.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
