so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
