Your dad touched me again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
