Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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