Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
