I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
