she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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