you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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