sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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