Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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