Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
