Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
